Leaning Into Faith
Today marks my 34th week, and wow did time fly. I can’t believe we are so close to meeting our baby. Our home has been in a slight disarray. I have been nesting, and finding the need to make sure the condo looks and feels cozy.
I’ll be retreating for about 40 days once the baby is born, and so I’ll need every corner of this place to spark joy. It’s probably the Libra in me.
I’ve also been rearranging furniture and selling some of them online to make more space for this new chapter. On top of that, my family just sold our ancestral home where my father, my brother, cousins, and I grew up in. Let’s just say it’s been a whirlwind.
These are all indicators of a big change happening. There needs to be some chaos before re-organization. A lot of letting go, to welcome the new. It’s just nature.
And I am learning to stay present leading to this season that’s about to come. There has been so much movement - old things are going out, new things are coming in. It feels like an energetic cleanup.
All the more reason for me to ground and meditate. To connect with my womb, and make sure that I am regulating my nervous system through deep long breaths before going to bed. Sneaking in visualizations of how my labour is going to be. The physical and mental preparations for that day have mostly been a matter of discipline on my end. I’m quite frankly not the most diligent person in the world.
I am constantly reminded to stay in the moment, trust that all will be accomplished, remember my relationship with the Universe, and lean in to the magic (faith).
Learning to accept whatever comes, while having that deep knowing that I will deliver this baby at home.
I am actually really looking forward to birthing at home with my midwife and doula. Yes there’s a lot of uncertainty, but that’s life isn’t it? Nothing is certain.
This is where faith comes in.
Faith that my body is capable.
Faith that my mind is strong enough to communicate with my body to do this.
Faith that my dreams and visions of birthing this baby at home, unmedicated, will come to fruition.
People will unknowingly project their fears, tell me stories, show their concern, but at the end of the day, it all boils down to how fortified my mind is (as well as my energy field).
Learning to listen with respect and let the unnecessary comments go, while keeping our intentions pure, protected, and sacred.
As the due date comes closer, there’s a lot of anticipation, and a healthy mix of excitement and anxiety. This feeling reminded me of preparing for my 2-month solo trip to India to study Yoga 5 years ago. Everything was set, and there was no resistance leading up to my departure.
Side Story - Growing up, I had this tendency to back out of big, culminating events. I remember when I was 5, I backed out of a ballet recital after weeks of practicing. Nerves maybe?
After a grueling audition for a dance company in University, and being one of the few to get in, I decided to leave after a few weeks of training. I wasn’t very comfortable with the culture they were setting. The leaders had to sit me down and talk me into coming back, but my mind was set.
I had the same feeling about India, but that time, there was no turning back. Everything was orchestrated so beautifully by the Universe - from my 100% scholarship in exchange for my photography services, to my aunt sponsoring my flights back and forth - it was like a big disrespect to God and myself if I backed out.
There was so much uncertainty that came with that experience, but it strengthened my capacity to fully take care of myself once again. To trust my instincts. To feel safe within myself being so far apart from my husband. It was life-changing.
This season, energetically, feels familiar. After 5 years, there’s a new chapter that’s about to change our lives. In this new chapter, I have dreamt of birthing my child at home.
There are so many reasons I could back out and opt for a hospital birth, and I always need to remind myself of a vision I had of bringing that baby earth side right here where we live.
I suppose I’m putting this out there as a way of manifesting it. Having that inner knowing that it had already happened in a different timeline, while I slowly approach that time in this plane.
This time, I am less alone.
In fact, I feel so blessed to have my husband, family, and friends, for their full support as I transition into becoming a mother.
I have a birth team that I trust and already love, to be with me when the time comes.
I am allowing myself to be moved through this life without resistance, with full trust and knowing that everything is (and will be) as it should be.