Softening Into Motherhood

Ahh I finally have time to actually sit down and write. It’s been a while, and our holiday schedule here in the Philippines has been packed. Relatives from both sides of the family visited from Hawaii, California, New York, and we were so happy to see them after more than 3 years. How do you fit 3 years in 10 days? Lots of scheduled lunches, dinners, and out of town trips. It’s been a happy whirlwind.

I’m just glad that I’ve gotten over my “morning” sickness hump just in time for the holidays, or else I wouldn’t have survived. I say “morning” because the nausea isn’t just in the morning, really.. it lasts the whole day paired with a very heightened sense of smell which triggers it.

Yesss, I am pregnant! 2023 is going to be a wild and beautiful ride for us.

I’m glad we got the chance to catch up with friends and family, because I was in hermit mode on my 8th-15th week, fearful of getting triggered by nausea in restaurants and malls. I don’t know how I held up in my studio classes as well. My biggest fear was throwing up in the middle of cueing a sequence. I’m glad that never happened, although that would have been quite a story.

My body has been experiencing rapid changes lately. Each time I take a bath I am surprised by how big my boobs are getting. I told my husband I was going to make the most out of it - low necklines from now on! Flaunt it while you got it.

I’d be lying if I said I never had a hint of fear by how much my body is morphing. It’s the Libra in me, wanting everything to look perfect, pleasing to the eye. Then I remember how amazing it is for preparing me to become a mother. So I’ve been doing some mirror work, looking at myself, taking time to appreciate the beauty of these bodily changes. Giving so much gratitude to this incredible body for doing what it is naturally made to do.

Pregnancy was something I had been so resistant to since getting married. It took me 6 years to soften to the possibility of me carrying a child and raising one. I suppose consciously (or subconsciously) I wanted to make sure I was ready physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I have always trusted my intuition when it came to big life decisions. I didn’t completely reject the idea, I just knew it wasn’t the right time.

Looking back, I was still such a baby myself, still learning about who I was and what I was put on this earth to do. Still seeking for other people’s approval. Still wanting to prove myself. Still exploring my foundations and relationship with God.

A few years down the road, we started talking about how important it was for us to be deeply rooted first - in our value system, our truths, our stance on issues - individually and as a unit.

I realized that all those years of learning about myself, exploring astrology, human design, teaching retreats and classes, holding space for others, strengthening my Yoga practice, going through initiations, were all gateways. It was a season in my life that I needed to go through.

The phase of exploring has evolved into integration, living and embodying. That is all I am called to do now. Which made sense when I started letting go of spiritual teachers and influencers online. I didn’t need them anymore. I just needed to be with myself, and trust that my years of learning have been absorbed not just by my mind, but by my body and soul.

It’s less talking about your truth, and more living it.

It’s less telling people to how to live in the Now, and more Being in each moment.

It’s less teaching people how to spread the love, and more seeing the loving awareness behind a stranger’s eyes in your morning walk.

It’s less shouting to the world about what you’ve learned, and more quiet moments of devotion and contemplation.

I have come to learn that every little moment in our lives leads us to where we are now. That the choices we make will eventually carry us to where we need to be, and what we need to experience in this lifetime.

Looking back, it was all preparation for a new chapter in our lives where we will have to devote a good 18-20 years to someone other than ourselves.

I can type that now with love and acceptance.

Here’s to 2023 and all the adventures it has in store for us!